I have gone back and forth on whether to write about this subject. Depression has a stigma associated with it. It’s not something I like to talk about in real life. I actually avoid conversations about it, only sharing my story about it with a few close friends. If the intent of my blog is to share my experience with ttc however, then I need to write about it. My depression doesn’t define me, but it impacts my daily life, which in turn impacts my ttc experience.
I was diagnosed with depression back in 2005 and then most recently this past January. I was a highly functioning depressed person. By that I mean, I got up out of bed and went to work every day. Inside however I was numb. I was overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. I wasn’t suicidal, but I wished death would take me every single day.
When I was diagnosed the first time I was put on Prozac by the psychiatrist (Dr. E) I saw for my ADHD. I was on it, along with Concerta (ADHD medication), until April 2009. That was when, after taking a nutrition class, I decided to stop all of my medications and mange my diseases by living a healthy lifestyle. Not a bad premise, but when I found out the next month that J was getting married I slid back into my old habits of eating poorly. So not only was I eating badly and gaining weight, but I was also off all my medications and as a result not doing that great. I started seeing a therapist in August but when that didn’t seem to help I went back to Dr. E. That was in January of this year. He diagnosed me as being bipolar. Not sure I agree with the diagnoses since I don’t really have manic episodes, but he’s the doctor not me. He put me back on Concerta and then added Lithium and Geodon for the depression/bipolar. The drugs have done wonders for me and I am doing very well now days.
Here’s where things get complicated. If you remember from my Doc Visit post I told you that the RE said I needed to talk to Dr. E about changing my medications. If you also remember, Dr. E has been out because of an accident so I haven’t been able to get a hold of him to talk about it. It took some wrangling, but I was able to convince one of the doctors on-call for him to see me. I met with her (Dr. P) last week and just my luck, not only can I not be on my current medications while trying to get prego or during prego, but there are no medication substitutes. UGH. That totally sucks. Since there is some time before I actually start ttc she wants me to start going off my meds gradually. The first one is Conerta. She wants me to cut down the amount I am taking by half. I haven’t started yet. Not sure what I am waiting for, but I meet with her Oct 7th to discuss how it’s going so I need to start soon.
Depression is a touchy subject in my book. It’s hard not to look at the person and think all they need to do is just _____ (you fill in the blank). I think that about myself. If I would just exercise more or if I would just think happy thoughts I would be cured. Unfortunately it’s not that simple. When you are depressed you are stuck, unable to move. Its like swimming in concrete. You know you need to swim, but you literally can't move.
Being on meds has been my saving grace. Am I scared to go off them? Maybe a little. There is a chance that I could be depressed again, but there's also a chance that I won't. The chance to get prego and have a baby of my own makes it worth it though.
