Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today is my Friday

Before I get into why it's my friday I just wanted to say thank you to all who commented on my Depression post.  Your words were so encouraging and I am grateful for your kind words.

Now on to the subject of this post.  Today is my Friday.  Why?  Because I'm going on vacation!  It's the first one I've been on in over four years so it's long over due.  It's not a long vacation.  I'lll only be gone 3 nights and 4 days, but hey I'm going on vacation.  Where am I going you ask?  To the beach and I'm going with my parents.  I love my parents.  Granted they drive me nuts when they stay with me, but overall I am one lucky kid to have the parents I do.  You know what the most exciting part of the vacation is for me?  No, not the beach itself or the taffy candy.  I am getting my own room!  Yes I know, that sounds lame, but I'm excited none the less.  On past vacations with my parents I would share the room with them, but this time I wanted to live large and go at it alone.  Yes, I'm almost 40 and I finally decide to get my own room.  I feel so grown up.  

When I'm not basking in the glory of my room I will be enjoying the sound of the waves hitting the beach, the smell of the ocean and the cool breeze that continuously blows.  I can't wait. 

Friday, September 24, 2010


I have gone back and forth on whether to write about this subject.  Depression has a stigma associated with it.  It’s not something I like to talk about in real life.  I actually avoid conversations about it, only sharing my story about it with a few close friends.  If the intent of my blog is to share my experience with ttc however, then I need to write about it.  My depression doesn’t define me, but it impacts my daily life, which in turn impacts my ttc experience. 
I was diagnosed with depression back in 2005 and then most recently this past January.  I was a highly functioning depressed person.  By that I mean, I got up out of bed and went to work every day.  Inside however I was numb.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I wished death would take me every single day.
When I was diagnosed the first time I was put on Prozac by the psychiatrist (Dr. E) I saw for my ADHD.  I was on it, along with Concerta (ADHD medication), until April 2009.  That was when, after taking a nutrition class, I decided to stop all of my medications and mange my diseases by living a healthy lifestyle.  Not a bad premise, but when I found out the next month that J was getting married I slid back into my old habits of eating poorly.  So not only was I eating badly and gaining weight, but I was also off all my medications and as a result not doing that great.  I started seeing a therapist in August but when that didn’t seem to help I went back to Dr. E.  That was in January of this year.  He diagnosed me as being bipolar.  Not sure I agree with the diagnoses since I don’t really have manic episodes, but he’s the doctor not me.  He put me back on Concerta and then added Lithium and Geodon for the depression/bipolar.  The drugs have done wonders for me and I am doing very well now days. 
Here’s where things get complicated.  If you remember from my Doc Visit post I told you that the RE said I needed to talk to Dr. E about changing my medications.  If you also remember, Dr. E has been out because of an accident so I haven’t been able to get a hold of him to talk about it.  It took some wrangling, but I was able to convince one of the doctors on-call for him to see me.  I met with her (Dr. P) last week and just my luck, not only can I not be on my current medications while trying to get prego or during prego, but there are no medication substitutes.  UGH.  That totally sucks.  Since there is some time before I actually start ttc she wants me to start going off my meds gradually.  The first one is Conerta.  She wants me to cut down the amount I am taking by half.  I haven’t started yet.  Not sure what I am waiting for, but I meet with her Oct 7th to discuss how it’s going so I need to start soon. 
Depression is a touchy subject in my book.  It’s hard not to look at the person and think all they need to do is just _____ (you fill in the blank).  I think that about myself.  If I would just exercise more or if I would just think happy thoughts I would be cured.  Unfortunately it’s not that simple.  When you are depressed you are stuck, unable to move.  Its like swimming in concrete.  You know you need to swim, but you literally can't move.   
Being on meds has been my saving grace.  Am I scared to go off them?  Maybe a little.  There is a chance that I could be depressed again, but there's also a chance that I won't.  The chance to get prego and have a baby of my own makes it worth it though.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mental Health Day

Have you ever woken up one morning and dreaded going to work?  You know, the kind of dread that makes you crawl back under the covers after having been up for awhile or, in some cases, never get out from under them in the first place.  The kind of dread where you are immobilized to do anything other than think of excuses as to why you shouldn’t go into work.  You get the picture.  That would be me today. 

Why the sudden dread to go into work?  I wish I could tell you that I’m working crazy hours and that I’m super stressed and need a break, but I can’t.  The truth is I’m B. O. R. E. D.  I’m in consulting and I go from project to project.  Right now, I’m in between projects which means I’m on the beach.  That sounds awesome doesn’t it?  Being on the beach.  It conjures up pictures of me relaxing in a beach chair listening to the sounds of the ocean with no worries other than wondering when the cabana boy is going to be bringing me my next drink.  Ha!  If only that were true.  What being on the beach really means is me sitting in an office trying to amuse myself until the next project comes along.  Again, you’re thinking – that doesn’t sound so bad.  I am all for not having anything to do every once in a while, but when you have been doing it every day for 3 weeks it gets old.  One can only make so many doctor appointments, do research on so many different topics, and catch up with so many people before the boredom sets in.  I am grateful that I've had the time, but I’m ready to get back into the swing of things.  Don’t get me wrong, I will probably complain when I finally do get on a project, but I would rather be crazy busy then bored.  Being bored is almost as bad as being stuck in traffic everyday. 

To combat the boredom I am caving in and taking a personal day.  My plans for today?  I bet you are expecting that I will do something fun or exciting, but I’m not.  I plan on catching up on some tv shows via hulu, doing a little reading, and maybe getting in a workout.  More importantly though, I need to clean.  We are having a family shindig at my house on Saturday and my house is not visitor worthy at the moment, so I will be spending a good portion of my time cleaning.  You’re jealous I know.  I would be too if I wasn’t the one living the dream;).

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

About me (Part 2)

Thank you ladies for your encouraging words.  I will post without fear of boring anyone now!  Now, to continue on about the story of me:

Biggest fear – The one fear that controls me the most is heights.  I'm good if I am on the curb and looking down, but if I'm higher than that I'm a big fat scaredy cat.  Heck, it even scares me when other people are high up.  We have window washers working on my building right now and I have to avert my gaze when I walk into the building because it gives me the hee bee gee bees knowing they are so high up.  No sir, you are not getting this girl to go skydiving. 
Most embarrassing moment – Have you seen the Friends episode where Rachel walks down the aisle with her dress tucked in her underwear?  Well, that was me at my nephew's baptism.  We had just finished the service and I ran to the bathroom because my bladder was about to burst.  I did my thing and when I was done I started to walk back to where my family was.  As I was walking a lady yells across the room "your skirt, your skirt."  I had no clue what she was talking about and so I proceeded to walk on.  She then starts chasing me and I'm starting to think she is a little crazy so I begin walking a bit faster.  She finally catches up with me and promptly tugs at my skirt.  It was then that I realized what she meant when she yelled "your skirt, your skirt."  Yeah, I was mortified.  What I learned from that incident was to NEVER leave the restroom without checking to make sure my skirt is not stuck in my underwear.   So far so good.
Biggest pet peeve – I have a couple, but I think they all center around people who drive.  The biggest is when, during a traffic jam, someone decides to use the shoulder as a lane.  Come on, really?  Are you that important that you can't stick it out like the rest of us?  I’m just glad that my commute is now 10 minutes from my house, otherwise I would be a very angry and bitter person.  God bless all those who sit in traffic longer than me.  I did it for 8 years and that was more than enough for me to know that I’m willing to settle for a smaller house if it means I don’t have to be on the road for any great length of time.
It's time for you to share, so what are some of your biggest fears, most embarrassing moments or biggest pet peeves?

Monday, September 20, 2010

About me (Part 1)

Up until this point I haven't really shared much of myself.  Largely because I haven't really known what was "worthy" of sharing.  I don't want to bore people, but how else will I get you to love me if I don't share something about myself?  So here goes...

Happiest memory – I have many happy memories, but if I had a gun to my head I would pick the time when I was 8 years old and I overheard my mom tell my dad that she hates having TMJ.  I have three older brothers and the first letter of each of their names makes up the acronym TMJ.  Being 8, I automatically assumed she meant she hated my brothers and that she loved me the best.  I was never so happy as I was that day.  It wasn't till I was older that I would learn that TMJ stood for Temporomandibular joint; a disorder of the jaw.  I still contend though that I am my mom’s favorite even if she won’t admit it:)
Saddest memory – I have lots of these too.  The one that I recall the most is the time I called J (ex) and left a message on his voicemail telling him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because loving him hurt too much.  Sadly, that would not be the last time I would say that to him.  It sticks out in my mind because I remember sobbing hysterically, something I rarely do, and feeling like I had my heart broken into a thousand pieces.  Yes, I know, I should have gotten a clue a kicked him to the curb, but what can I say, I was stupid, naive, and in love and I took him back.

Greatest success – Hands down graduating college is my greatest success.  It took me 7 years but I did it.  My college years were the best time of my life.  You are so hopeful for the future and you feel like you can conquer anything, then you graduate and reality sets in!  

Biggest regret – This one is easy, well sort of.  I don’t regret J, but I regret staying with him as long as I did.  I should have cut ties with him long before I did.  I just honestly thought we were meant to be together, even if he didn’t.  So much time wasted. 

What else would you like to know?

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Yesterday was my HSG.  I was late getting there because I got lost (I don’t have GPS), but luckily they still took me.  The procedure itself was over in 5 minutes.  The doctor walked me through everything.  It hurt a little when he put the speculum in and I could see where some women have cramping when they insert the catheter.  Overall though, it wasn’t bad.  Once it was over the doctor told me that my tubes are clear (good news), but that it looks like I have a uterine polyp (not so good news).  He said that my doctor (Dr. T) will have to decide how to proceed next, but that I shouldn’t worry.  I got a call from Dr. T’s nurse a couple of hours later to tell me that Dr. T wants me to have a saline sonogram done so they can investigate it more.  Not a big deal till I learned it cost $1145.  I talked to the financial counselor there and learned it was actually covered by my insurance because it is considered an anomaly.  I can’t even begin to express how happy that made me yesterday.  For a brief moment, when I thought it wasn’t covered, I questioned if I should move ahead with all of it or quit while I was ahead.  Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about it now.

Couple of people have asked me about my next steps.  As of now, the next step is to have the saline sonogram which can’t happen until CD 5 – CD 10 of my next cycle (mid October).  I suspect that I will have to have another procedure after that called a hysteroscopy (I believe).  Does anyone know if that is performed on a certain CD?  Right now I have my next RE appointment scheduled for October 26th to discuss my results.  I will probably have to push that back if I have to have the hysteroscopy and it can’t be performed before my appointment.  I’m crossing my fingers the timing works out because she is booked a month in advance for follow up appointments.  If, after everything, she gives me the all clear then I will wait till January to start so that I can use my flexible spending account to cover some of the cost. 

I have been on this journey now since August and I have learned one very important thing and that is that things don’t move very fast.  By that I mean, you can’t go into the baby making endeavor and expect that it will happen tomorrow cause it won’t.  Everything is based on when AF arrives, which means there is a lot of waiting around.  Many, if not all, the tests can only be performed during a certain number of CDs, so if you miss that window of time you have to wait till the next month.  Bottom line, it’s a waiting game.   

Cost today: $690 (HSG)
Cost to date: $1415

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


They are my newest hobby.  I love trolling around and reading them.  I find them fascinating.  It’s like reading a book; sometimes the book is marginal other times it’s a real page turner.  I especially love reading about other women and their journey to motherhood.  Reading about the highs and lows helps prepare me for my own journey.  As someone who is just starting on the path to being a single mom, I only have my imagination to go on when it comes to appreciating what life will be like.  There are days when I probably over idealize the image.  Reading the stories of the women who have gone before me helps keep me grounded and reminds me that it is not an easy path I am choosing.  So to all you bloggers out there I say thank you.  Thank you for sharing your stories and opening up your lives for others to read.  We may not leave comments on your posts but it doesn’t mean we haven’t read your story and have found it intriguing and worthy of reading.  I, for one, look forward to reading how your life unfolds and am grateful that you are willing to share it.

You can find all the blogs I follow on the right side of this page.  I encourage you to check them out.  They are some amazing women! 

Do you have a favorite blog that you would like to share?

Monday, September 13, 2010

CD3 Ultrasound and blood work

Progress is being made!  Had my CD3 blood work and ultrasound today.  It was all very painless and took only about 15 minutes from start to finish.  Here are my results:

AFC was 17 (10 on the right and 7 on the left)

Blood work:

  • E2: 50 (under 60 is normal)

  • FSH: 4.9 (under 10 is normal)

  • LH: 3.8 (under 4 is normal)
YAHOO!  I’m excited.  I know it doesn’t mean that things can’t still go wrong, but I am pleased with my status so far.

Cost today: $490 (Day 3 blood work (E2, FSH, and LH only), regular blood work, and ultrasound)
Cost to date: $725

Friday, September 10, 2010

My groove

It appears I have lost it.  It’s not gone for good, or at least I hope it’s not, but it does seem to be missing.  The groove I am referring to is the one that got me to the gym 5 days a week.  My gym was closed last week for 8 days, but is now open and has been since Tuesday.  I have yet to make an appearance. 

Here's the thing - I am never going to wake up one day and think to myself, “Gee, I’m in the mood to exercise.”  It just isn’t going to happen.  Knowing that about myself, I try my best to not wait till the mood strikes before I actually do it.  If I did, I would be waiting a very long time.  For some reason however, I have fallen prey to letting my emotions lead my decision-making this past week and a half.  Welcome to the life of being a girl I guess.

I’m going to make a commitment though.  Today I am going to go to the gym.  I am going to ignore all the excuses that will, without fail, pop into my head and just suck it up.  Why?  Because I want to be in the best shape I can be while trying to conceive (TTC) and that can’t happen if I sit on my couch and eat.  I’m going to do it.  I hope.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Doctor Visit

I want to give a detailed account of my appointment yesterday, but don’t want to bore those who have already gone through it and know what to expect from a visit.  So, for those individuals, you can skip to the section called ‘Summary'; for anyone that wants the details you can start with ‘The Visit’.

The Visit
The first person I met with was my RE, Dr. T.  She had reviewed my chart before I came in and so she led with, “What brings you here today?”.  Once I explained my reason, we then began discussing my medical history.  The first thing she addressed was my weight.  Luckily, she didn’t say I had to lose a certain amount of weight before trying to get pregnant, but she did encourage me to continue with my current weight loss effort. 

The second thing was my medication.  She explained that I will need to switch some of the medications I am currently taking before I can start trying to get pregnant.  More to the point, I would need a ‘letter of clearance’ from the doctor that originally prescribed the meds before we can move forward on any treatment.  You would think that’s not a big deal, but it is.  That doctor who prescribes the meds, Dr. E, is a PITA.  I love him, but he is a PITA none the less.  I had an appointment with him last month, but the day before my appointment his wife, who is his receptionist, calls and tells me that he has been in an accident and will need to cancel my appointment.  (Note: this is not the first time he has been hospitalized or canceled on me.)  She gave me no other details so I assumed he would be out for a week.  It’s been a month and every time I call I get a voice mail with no additional information other than the fact that he is recovering nicely and a list of doctors who are filling in for him for medication refills.  There is no mention of when he is coming back.  I feel bad for the guy, I do, but it’s just frustrating.  He is in practice by himself and finding another doctor is sort of a pain because of his specialty.  To top it off, I’ve seen this guy for over 15 years, so he knows my history.  I did call one of the doctors who is filling in for him this morning.  Cross your fingers that they will see me in the near future.  Either way, having to switch meds will delay things by a couple of months since I have to be on new meds for a couple of weeks to see if they are working AND I may have to try several different before I find the right kind.  All of this before the new doctor will give me a ‘letter of clearance.’  Anywho, I digress. 

The third thing Dr. T talked about was cutting down my caffeine intake to 12oz. a day.  I currently drink 24oz of soda; not a big deal to reduce.  I will miss my soda, but it won't kill me to cut back.

The fourth item on the agenda was in relation to the blood work I had done back in January when I was at my OBGYN for my annual checkup.  My OBGYN was testing to see if I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  I started to have irregular periods back in November 2009 and the OBGYN thought it might be related to PCOS.  The blood work showed that I had some elevations but Dr. T wasn’t too worried about it.  Her feeling was that because I had regular periods prior to November 2009 that it could simply be the increase in weight (40 pounds), not PCOS, that is causing it.  Her hope is that if I continue to lose the weight my periods will become regular again.  That was good news in my mind.  What she was concerned about however, was an elevated thyroid.  She wants to retest it with the new blood work to see if it is still elevated.  If it is, then she will put me on a low dose of thyroid medicine. 

The fifth item she addressed was the various testing she wanted to have done.  There are five in total (for now): 1) Blood work which will screen for infertility, infectious diseases, thyroid, CBC, and anemia (this blood work is covered by insurance. YAHOO!); 2) Day 3 blood work (E2, FSH and LH); 4) Day 3 ultrasound; and, 5) HSG (hysterosalpingogram).  She then went on to explain that she couldn’t talk about my options for treatment until after the tests were done and she had a better understanding of what my situation entailed. 

The last thing she covered was sperm donors and where to go and what to expect, which I found helpful since I hadn’t done much research on it yet.  She wrapped it up by asking if I had questions, which I did.  We spent the rest of the time going over the questions she had not already answered.

Once I finished with Dr. T, I was then met by a nurse who gave me a packet about the office and information about donor sperm.  She went over all the things I needed to do and wrote me up a checklist, which I found to be very helpful.  She will be the person I talk to when I have questions in the future.

I then moved on to the financial counselor who gave me costing information.  She confirmed that most of my testing will not be covered by insurance because I’m not infertile.  *Sigh*  She did tell me about a discount program they offer, but I make 10k over the cutoff.  Darn me for making a good salary.  To give you an idea for cost though, the Day 3 blood work and ultrasound together is $670 and the HSG is $690.  The cost of an IUI is between $1600 - $2200, while IVF is $9500.  Hearing the costs made my head spin that’s for sure.

I was there for close to two hours and walked out of there happy with my choice of doctors.  Everyone I spoke to was friendly and were more than happy to answer my questions.  The office in general, is like a well oiled machine and they seemed to have their processes down to a science.  There will be some bumps in the road I'm sure, but overall I am stoked about the office and my doctor.

Cost to date: $230 (Initial Consultation)

Monday, September 6, 2010

I'm excited, sort of

Tomorrow is THE big day. Up until two days ago the only emotion I experienced was excitement.  You can now add nervousness and apprehension to that list. I can’t imagine that the RE will tell me that I’m not a candidate and that they can’t help me.  Well, they could, but it’s highly unlikely.  So what has me worried?  Cost – plain and simple.  Can I afford the treatment(s)? I have been reading blog after blog by women who have gone through this process already and they are having a ton of tests done and in most cases they had four or more IUIs performed before they became prego.  I will continue to scout for costing information, but thus far no one talks about how expensive it is. I know it varies by location and whether or not insurance covers costs, but I am still interested in knowing more.  I want to know how they can afford it so that I can take comfort in knowing that I can afford it too.  I make a very good salary, but I also own my own home and all the expenses that go along with it.  I checked with my insurance and they won’t cover anything unless I’m infertile, which I’m not. (Though I was just diagnosed with PCOS last January, which can cause infertility).  The receptionist at the RE’s office was awesome about giving me some out of pocket expense information. Initial consultation is $300.  The base cost for a typical IUI procedure is roughly $1,200 - $2,200 not including prescreening and medication.  Prescreening is paid once and can range anywhere from $1,500 to $1,800. Medication ($300 - $3,000 for more intensive stages) is paid per cycle as is the IUI procedure cost.  Using that as my basis I think I can afford three IUIs, assuming that I take drugs that are on the cheap side. This of course also assumes that my flexible spending account covers some of the costs (which I still need to check on).  What if, however, there are other costs the receptionist didn't know about?  So I admit I'm nervous and even a bit apprehensive that I won't be able to afford to do artificial insemination (AI).

For today at least, instead of worrying myself to death, I am going to bask in the anticipation of tomorrow.  If I decide to go through with this it’s going to be a long hard road, filled with many ups and downs.  There may not be that many days where I can simply revel in the sheer excitement of it all.  Tomorrow will come soon enough, but for today I am going to enjoy the thrill of knowing that tomorrow I could be embarking on a life altering experience.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Calories in calories out

That’s what I keep telling myself over and over again, though lately I have not heeded that sage advice. I was served a double whammy in my getting fit effort this week. My first whammy was the fact that my gym shut down for a week to do maintenance. Apparently it’s a yearly thing, but being new to this gym I was unaware till the day before it closed down. So I am without my gym this week and I hate it. I had gotten into a great routine working out for an hour 5 days a week and now my gym goes and does this to me – the nerve of them! Ok, they didn’t leave me high and dry. They let you go to one of their affiliated gyms in the area, but those gyms aren’t my gym. They are a big whopping 20 minute drive vice my 10 minute drive AND those gyms don’t have my favorite machine. I have become attached to this one machine and I even get a little annoyed when I show up and somebody is using it. I could go for a walk around my neighborhood. That’s how I used to get my exercise in before I became a fan of the gym. But alas, I have not. I know, my excuses are lame, but they sound good in my head. I miss my gym and I’m holding out till it reopens on Tuesday.

My second whammy is PMS. I crave food; sweets in particular. When I PMS I feel like I am out of control with my eating. So I have been binging on just about everything. The scale has not been my friend this week.

You are probably reading this and thinking I am a skinny minnie, but unfortunately I am not. In my head maybe, but in reality no. I started a journey this past April to lose 100 pounds - all before I decided I wanted to become a mom. 40 of those pounds are courteous of my ex getting married mind you; the other 60 from just being lazy. I’ve lost 26 so far to date, so kudos to me, but man it’s taking a long time. I’m averaging 1.25 pounds a week. *Sigh* if only I didn’t like to eat I would lose more. Tuesday is the day I will get back on track. In the mean time here’s hoping I don’t do a ton of damage between now and then.

What does this have to do with being a single mom by choice? Here’s the thing – I am 15 pounds shy of being 200 pounds and my OBGYN made mention to me at my appointment that the RE might tell me to get below 200 before I start anything. That would suck. I mean, I want to lose the weight, but I hate the added pressure that it puts on me to lose it. I suck at pressure with regards to weight loss. Ugh. I guess I will have to wait and see what the RE says. No point in getting worked up about it now.  While I wait however, I'm going to go find myself something to eat!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Questions for the doc

In preparation for my visit to see the fertility specialist on Tuesday (9/7) I generated a list of questions.  Not sure I captured everything I need to ask, but it's a start. 

• What procedures are performed during the prescreening? How long does the prescreening test take?
• Does it occur in a single visit or over a series of visits?
• When should I have the prescreening done? That is, how far in advance?
• Day 3 blood work, is that day 3 of the start of my cycle or start of heavy bleeding?
• How far in advance do I need to call to come in to have blood work done?
• Once the prescreening is done how often will I need to come in?
• How will you determine when I am ovulating? Will you do an ultrasound? If so, what is the process and what is the cost?
• Do you recommend me tracking my ovulation? If yes, what is the best way to do so (i.e., basal temp, ovulation kit)? How long should I track?
• Will you prescribe drugs to stimulate ovulation? If so, what kind?

• How much does it cost?
• Can I get a written cost estimate?
• Are there other costs associated with a recommended procedure not mentioned in the price of treatment?
• Is the cost for an IUI the same each time?
• How can I minimize cost?
• Is there anything I can have done by my regular OBGYN that would be covered by my insurance?

Success Rates
• What are my chances of getting pregnant ? Based on my age?
• What can I do to increase my chances that I will get pregnant (i.e., certain foods, exercise, etc.)?
• What is the typical number of attempts for IUI before it is successful?

Sperm Donor
• What aspects should I consider when looking at a sperm donor?
• Is there a sperm bank you recommend?
• Once I identify a donor what should I do?
• How many vials should I order?

General Questions
• Can/should I wait till I lose more weight to start? If yes, how much would you recommend I weight before starting the process?
• What medications do I need to stop taking and how far in advance should I stop taking them?
• What do I need to do to prepare to get pregnant (i.e., prenatal vitamins, vaccinations)?
• Do you recommend any alternative therapies like acupuncture?
• Is there a person I can talk to/email if I have questions between appointments?
• What are your hours?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My journey

Welcome to my blog.  My intent with this blog is to share my journey to motherhood.  How I will get there is anyones guess right now, but my hope is that I can use artificial insemination to get pregnant.  How did I get here?  In order to understand that I need to tell you a little bit about me....

I dated this one guy on and off for years hoping that it would lead to marriage.  Well, last year he did indeed get married, but it wasn't to me.  When it happened, I can say without shame, that my world fell apart.  I am just now getting my life back together.  Along the way came the realization that I am 39 and no closer to having the life I always dreamed about.  You know, the one with a husband and at least 2 kids.  I know that marriage and kids is no picnic, but not having them is no picnic either, especially when that's all you've ever dreamed of your whole life.  Skip to early July and a conversation I had with a friend.  We were at dinner and she jokingly suggested I use a sperm donor.  Who knew that one innocent comment could change the path I was currently on, certainly not me that's for sure.

The idea of not having to wait for Mr. Right and taking my future into my own hands really resonated with me.  I had considered adoption a few months previous, but never got much further than just a consideration.  There is something about having a baby growing inside of me, one who is a part of me that appeals to me.  So I did what I do best; I researched.  I did google searches on "donor insemination," "artificial insemination," "sperm bank," "IUI" you name it I researched it.  I found a lot of good stuff.  I felt prepared enough to talk to my OBGYN so I made an appointment.  Armed with a list of questions I spoke to my OBGYN who said I needed to talk to a fertility specialist since they don't perform any of the procedures in their office.  That was back in early August.  I made the appointment with the fertility specialist right away, but my appointment isn't until this coming Tuesday.  Once again I am armed with questions.  I fear the doctor is going to hate me for it, but I really need to know the facts before I make a decision about whether or not I should do this. At my age what are my chances? 

So, why a blog you ask?  Well, in my research I found some great blogs from women following my same path.  Some further along than others, but all interested in becoming a single mom by choice just like me.  Reading those blogs has been so encouraging.  It has shown me I'm not alone despite the fact that I have shared my desire with only a handful of people in my life.  I want to join the ranks of my fellow single mom by choice bloggers and share my experience in hopes of helping someone else.  I'm still in the thinking stage, but let's face it - I know in the end I will try because I don't want to live with the regret of knowing that I had a chance and I didn't take it.  Having said that, first I need to figure out if I can afford it, what all is involved with the process, and what are my chances.  I'm hoping that my appointment with the RE will shed some light on my questions.  Wish me luck.