Friday, September 24, 2010


I have gone back and forth on whether to write about this subject.  Depression has a stigma associated with it.  It’s not something I like to talk about in real life.  I actually avoid conversations about it, only sharing my story about it with a few close friends.  If the intent of my blog is to share my experience with ttc however, then I need to write about it.  My depression doesn’t define me, but it impacts my daily life, which in turn impacts my ttc experience. 
I was diagnosed with depression back in 2005 and then most recently this past January.  I was a highly functioning depressed person.  By that I mean, I got up out of bed and went to work every day.  Inside however I was numb.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I wished death would take me every single day.
When I was diagnosed the first time I was put on Prozac by the psychiatrist (Dr. E) I saw for my ADHD.  I was on it, along with Concerta (ADHD medication), until April 2009.  That was when, after taking a nutrition class, I decided to stop all of my medications and mange my diseases by living a healthy lifestyle.  Not a bad premise, but when I found out the next month that J was getting married I slid back into my old habits of eating poorly.  So not only was I eating badly and gaining weight, but I was also off all my medications and as a result not doing that great.  I started seeing a therapist in August but when that didn’t seem to help I went back to Dr. E.  That was in January of this year.  He diagnosed me as being bipolar.  Not sure I agree with the diagnoses since I don’t really have manic episodes, but he’s the doctor not me.  He put me back on Concerta and then added Lithium and Geodon for the depression/bipolar.  The drugs have done wonders for me and I am doing very well now days. 
Here’s where things get complicated.  If you remember from my Doc Visit post I told you that the RE said I needed to talk to Dr. E about changing my medications.  If you also remember, Dr. E has been out because of an accident so I haven’t been able to get a hold of him to talk about it.  It took some wrangling, but I was able to convince one of the doctors on-call for him to see me.  I met with her (Dr. P) last week and just my luck, not only can I not be on my current medications while trying to get prego or during prego, but there are no medication substitutes.  UGH.  That totally sucks.  Since there is some time before I actually start ttc she wants me to start going off my meds gradually.  The first one is Conerta.  She wants me to cut down the amount I am taking by half.  I haven’t started yet.  Not sure what I am waiting for, but I meet with her Oct 7th to discuss how it’s going so I need to start soon. 
Depression is a touchy subject in my book.  It’s hard not to look at the person and think all they need to do is just _____ (you fill in the blank).  I think that about myself.  If I would just exercise more or if I would just think happy thoughts I would be cured.  Unfortunately it’s not that simple.  When you are depressed you are stuck, unable to move.  Its like swimming in concrete.  You know you need to swim, but you literally can't move.   
Being on meds has been my saving grace.  Am I scared to go off them?  Maybe a little.  There is a chance that I could be depressed again, but there's also a chance that I won't.  The chance to get prego and have a baby of my own makes it worth it though.


Tiara said...

Thank you so much for having the courage to share this part of your life. It adds an element to your TTC that some may not understand.

The Baby Chase Project said...

Faith, you have been through so much. I know your internal strength will guide you.

hopefulcc said...

I can absolutely relate to that feeling of being frozen. I started seeing a therapist and took an antidepressant for about a year. That was almost 10 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.
When I started to wean off the antidepressant, I definitely upped my exercise - even if it was just going for a long walk. If you have a therapist, they may be able to make a good plan for weaning off your meds.
Think of you !

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting about this. You're right that there is a stigma in talking about depression, but it is happening to so many people. I know I, for one, can definitely relate to being highly functioning but depressed. Good for you, for talking about it.

(I'm here from LFCA.)

Michelle said...

I wish you luck in your endeavor to have a child. I am also trying to become a single mom by choice through either adoption or artificial insemination. I look forward to following your journey.

MeAndBaby said...

Hi, here from LFCA. I am a SMC of twin boys who turn one month old tomorrow(!) and I wanted to say it is all worth it. :) I will keep reading and hoping for you!

missing1 said...

This was a very brave post. Hat's off to the courage. I think with strength like this, you'll find a way to come through this, regardless.
Thank you for your advice to me. Your honesty is definitely something to look up to!

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